Interviewing a vampire


‘Of course vampires can be killed as easily as living humans, but the surest way to do it is with an iron spike through the chest and then decapitation.’

Tina looked at the man sitting opposite, he could be any age between thirty and sixty he was saturnine, dark haired and handsome his toothy smile the only clue to his true nature. ‘So not a wooden stake then?’ she asked.

‘Oh a wooden stake will work but it is terribly inefficient, iron conducts vampiric energy away quickly and renders the victim helpless too.’ He replied. ‘Wood can hit ribs and splinter, very inefficient’ he looked around the dingy hotel room, the curtains were tightly closed even though it was night outside, it showed thoughtfulness.

‘An interesting definition of victim?’ suggested Tina.

He shrugged. ‘Depends on which side of the fence you are sitting.’

‘I must say Petar you are being very open with me about your life sorry… un-life?’ they had been talking for half an hour and the vampire had seemed eager to tell all.’

‘I do not worry, these things are easy to find in books and on internet. All people have to do is read, something they don’t seem to do nowadays, it is very sad.’

‘Well I hope they’ll read my book Count Orlov, thank you for the interview it’s been a real pleasure.’ Opening her sports bag Tina put her I-pad away. ‘Best let you get away before cock-crow.’

‘I do not like to think of the cock’s crow or the dawn, pausing he looked at her meaningfully.

‘Ahem, my payment?’ asked the Count.

‘Oh sorry, I nearly forgot.’ Tina unbuttoned her blouse baring her long neck ‘it won’t hurt will it?’

‘It may smart a little at first but it will soon pass, you are a very pretty girl. Tina, is that short for something?’

‘My name is Kristina, remember, only a small amount?’ she said nervously fingering her crucifix.

He held her in his gaze ‘my apologies, I forgot to mention one thing, the cross does not work on us, also you cannot trust a vampire around a pretty girl, especially one as lovely as you. I am sure your blood will be as delightful to drink as your lips will be to ki…’ Count Orlov stopped mid-sentence and looked down in astonishment at the handle sticking out of his chest.

‘It’s an iron spike, I made it myself’ said Tina ‘a vampire really should not trust a pretty girl without asking her surname first.’

Orlov stood paralysed as Kristina drew the cutlass from its scabbard in her sports bag and with a single swing lopped off his head with well-practised ease, she then dragged the decapitated corpse (corpse once again!) out onto the balcony, comfortable in the knowledge that the dawn sun would turn it to ashes and picking up the desiccated head (still with a look of surprise on its face) popped it into a canvas bag to be incinerated later.

‘Well I didn’t learn anything new after all that trouble’ thought Kristina Van Helsing as she finished packing up ‘still, there’s always next time.’ She turned off the light, closed the door and left quietly.